As readers who drop in here regularly know, one of the last
things I’m prone to do is advocate for specific sex acts of any particular
kind. And as far as I’m concerned, this is as it should be; since the central purpose
of my writing here is, for the most part, to inform, uphold and enlighten – to offer
new and engaging perspectives on the breath-taking wonderment that is our
universe-driven sexuality. Decisions about which actual sexual behaviors we
choose to engage in are intensely personal and situated within each person’s
constellation of likes and dislikes; they are choices shaped by desire, which in
turn is shaped by a multitude of factors including how we were raised, how
sexually open and adventurous we are, and of course, our mind/body responses to
what heats us up and curls our toes.
With all that in mind, if I’m advocating for anything at
all, if I’m standing up on my soap box and waxing philosophical, it’s for each
of us, as consenting adults, to claim with both hands our right to be sexually
empowered and fulfilled. To know what we like and to own our right to have it,
so long as our sexual freedoms don’t impinge on the rights and agency of
others. If I’d stake my credentials on anything at all, it would be on the
need for us all to take charge of our own sexuality and to leverage its
radiant power - especially for women - as
a source of energy, strength and renewal, so long as we do it in ways that hold sacred
each other’s humanity, as well as our own.
That said, people often ask me to weigh in on particular
sexual behaviors, and I’m glad to offer whatever elucidation I’m able. Not
surprisingly, some topics come up a lot more frequently than others, like, for
example, the timeless, ecstasy-producing practice of oral
sex.
Whatever one’s sexual orientation, what seems clear to me is
this: once they’ve had the experience, there aren’t many people who don’t relish
the delicious sensation of being a consenting receiver. Ask most folks who’ve been the
recipients of this especially intimate act and they’ll tell you without much fanfare
that there’s something relaxing, pleasurable and psychically hypnotic to be
found in the warmth of a wet and willing, adventurous lover’s mouth. Given half
the chance, devotees of oral sex will wax soaringly poetic, extolling the mind-bending pleasures of skillful, ardent oral embrace and the white-hot rush of desire it
engenders their veins.
Still, there are lots of devoted partners who find something
less than appealing in the prospect of their mouths in intimate, soulful congress
with someone’s genitalia. And while these same devoted partners may be wholly committed
to their lovers, the thought of shimmying southward and doing that down there leaves some of these well-meaning partners, quite
simply, less than thrilled.
But as a normal human behavior that has its global roots in
antiquity, depictions of lovers happily involved in oral sex have been
unearthed in ancient artworks of civilizations around the world. Some of these
depictions show couples; others illustrate polyamorous acts of group sex. Both
men and women are shown as givers and receivers, often appearing exuberantly
athletic in their poses, penises happily perched between partners’ puckered
lips, faces blissfully buried in assorted sundry vaginas. That they thrived in
cultures that were, in many ways freer than our own, wherein expressions of
sexuality were part of a healthy, normative embracing of sexual pleasure seems
quite clear. Rock carvings and glyphs, and a look at India ’s ancient Kama Sutra, written
between 400 BCE and 200 CE and thought by many to be the most widely read
secular text in the world, all support this view.
So what about now? There are lots of reasons that some folks
would rather not orally engage. There’s the matter of contraindicating
religious beliefs, of course, the notion that no sexual act is desirable or
permissible if it cannot, in itself, result in procreation. In fact, until only
very recently, many locales here in the US retained legal statutes prohibiting so-called “aberrant” behaviors like oral sex, such laws being the residual influence of
old, religious Judeo-Christian doctrine.
Still, for some folks, the sheer, basic mechanics of oral sex can
be off-putting. Although an enormous number of partners proclaim a robust and eager exuberance for “going down” on their women, relishing the scent, the taste, the
texture of a healthy adult vagina, for others, the sensory stimulation that the
vulva affords can be, well… too much of a good thing. An embarrassment of
riches, as they say. But the truth is this: A healthy vagina is an efficient
and totally self-cleaning structure. Its natural scent is musky, rich with a
complexity of pheromones that are the finely-tuned products of evolution,
designed to be naturally seductive and attractive to prospective partners.
There are choices to be made about “giving head” to male partners
as well, not the least of which are the choices people make about whether or
not to swallow - proteins, amino acids, bodily fluids in general… Oh my.
And like toadstools erupting after a slogging summer rain, mythology
abounds here, just as it does about so many other aspects of human sexuality.
For example, some people erroneously believe that women who swallow the ejaculate
of a man of a different race will fall ill from said ejaculate - simply by
virtue of the racial difference between them.
Still other folk believe that when a man performs oral sex
on a woman, she “naturally” ought to be able to “come” if he simply thrusts and
penetrates her vagina with his tongue. Of course, this is nonsense; female
sexual response is as perfect now as it has always been, and situated almost exclusively in the head and shaft of the clitoris with its super-proliferation of highly responsive
nerve endings – some 8,000 more nerve endings than are found in the average
penis.
As with much our lives, there’s a lot to take in here. And
then, of course, there’s this: The stratospheric pleasures aligned with oral sex
notwithstanding, the possibility of sexually transmitted infection is present in
this as well. Barrier methods like condoms can clearly help in prevention, but
it’s certainly worth remembering that viruses we can be exposed to in having
oral sex have been implicated in causing some cancers of the throat. Likewise,
the virus that causes genital herpes, a recurring, blistering, contagious
condition that currently has no cure, can be contracted on the mouth as a cold
sore in the course of oral-genital contact; infection works the other way
around as well.
So what’s a person to do? That is, if you’re a lover of oral
sex, either the giving and/or the receiving, and you happen to be in a
relationship with someone not so orally inclined? Part of what makes us exquisite as sexual human beings is
the near-infinite variety of what succeeds in turning us on. But the truth is
that we are all the procurers of our own pleasure, not to be second-placed or
left behind, our desires ignored, discounted or unfulfilled by some countervailing
other.
So start by talking it through, perhaps, and see where honest, open and heart-felt discourse takes you. It’s your body, just as it always has been. Your pleasure, your life, and most certainly- most especially- it's your choice.
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